Jesus WILL heal you, if you ask Him.



...sometimes you have to be really pushy tho...

you will not break me.

yours truly,

nel

if anyone is interested, Trial Kennedy are coming back to Perth in 2 weeks. it's bound to be full of Knife Lights, so make sure you wear your Tuesday Shoes.

yes, that was incredibly corny, i'm sorry.

i'll excuse myself and leave now, but if you're interested, go to their myspace and check out the dates, because i've forgotten what they are and can't be bothered going back to that page, so do it yourself you lazy bum!

much love,

nel

its nice and cool, not too hot (and the german in me hates the heat), a little cloudy and overcast, but what better weather to exprss my own confusion, dissapointment, and overall lack of strangth of character.

i fell for a boy, and his ex is still in love with him, and she is one of my best friends.

im quite overwhelmed at my own complete selfishness.

tonight i get up on stage and preach redemption, and i have no idea if i can do it. honest moral dilemma. i dont think i can seriously get up on stage knowing whats going on and talk anout Jesus' sacrifice.

please, please, anyone who reads this, it doesnt matter if you're a Christian, but please, pray for me tonight. i think i'll need it.

well, you might agree with what im about to say. you might not. you might finish this and wonder about whether i really have an yself-confidence at all, and i dont know if i can answer that for you, because i ho nestly dont know anymore.

i always have had a specific self-image in group situations. it kinda goes like this:

the rest of the group is much cooler, much funnier, much more popular, much better, much more creative, much more 'in', much more bearabkle than i am. now, i'm not a pity-cause (thats a little too extreme for me), but i'm not quite up to the same level as all my friends. because of this, i feel like i'm intruding alot, like no one actually wants me around, like im useful because i have a car, like im not actually part of the group, like they will judge me, like im an embarrasment, and like i need to watch carefully what i say / do in order for me to fit in, because i dont want to be 'out' of the group. i want to be 'in'.

in order to be 'in' i become like them. i will act like them, speak like them, be like them, because i want to be part of them.

over the last few days, i had some interesting experiences that have changed my perspectuve.

only read on if you care, beause if you dont, then i dont care that you dont. i'm kinda 'whatever, you're opinion won't change me' at the moment.

i have some new friends. i love them with all my heart. there are 5 of us: James, Sophie, Steph, Richie, and myself.

I thought they were better than me, blah blah blah, but on Friday i got to service and James had saved me a seat next to him. sounds stupid, 'wow, who cares', but every week i am the one who is asking poeple if i can sit with them, and for once, someone not only wanted me to sit with them, but wasn't going to take no for an answer. now dont think im the Church freak, i have heaps of friends, but no one ever saves me a seat unles i ask them to.

i realised on Fridat that they want me to sit with them

I realised today after having a few conversations that i am acually the one planning things for the group, working out the logistics, and putting it into action.

i realised today (after a phone call) that they actually want to hang out with me, and like having me around.

i realised today that i dont have to change myself to make anyone else happy.

i realised today that while i tried so hard to fit in, i didnt even need to try.

i realised today that i as just as good as them

i realised today that it doesnt even matter whos better anyway, because what is 'better'?

i realised today that i can try my hardest, and not everyone will like me.

i realised today that i can be the one who starts the new trend...

...heck, it's already started...

... it's called 'love'.

you can think whatever you want about this, i dont need to please you. in my heart, i am peaceful...

do i think i can believe this forever? no. in a few weeks i will be as self-conscious and doubtful as last week, but for this next few weeks, i will savour it, and pray with all my might that just some of this will stick...

...because without that bit, i'm nothing.

well, on Saturday we gave James his guitar. it was the most beautiful thing ever! he was so touched, and it made all of us feel so good about ourselves or giving! it was a pretty amazing day all up...

sophie and james stayed at mine friday night, then sophie want out with steph and richie to get james more presents (symbol carry-bag, guitar strap, bible, picks, scripture gum, etc) so ames and i stayed home and watched dvds, then when they were on my street richie pranked me so i took jame supstairs and we sat in my room talking and stuff, and while we were there th guys cme into my house and put all th tuf on the couch and coverd it with a blanket, then we came back downstairs and we all honoured James for something, as well as for something musical, then he was like 'whats going on?' nd we were like ;your music inspires people' and he was like 'well thanks, but i cant really play again for a while now since i dont have a guitar' and we were like 'yeah, about that...' and we pulled the blanket down and revealed all he stuff and we looked at us all, then looked down, and when he looked up again he had a tear running down his face, it was so beautiful!!! he was like 'no ones ever done anything like this for me before!' it was the most amaing thing ever!

then ichie and steph stayed for a while and we got pizza, then the left, then i went to work and keft James and Sophie at my house, and when i got home (it was only a 3 hour shift) soph was sleeping, so we put on a dvd and fell asleep. it was such a beautiful, accomplishing day!

sunday we went to Christian City Church Crawley, then to City Imapct for the filming of City Impact TV episode 1, then i took them home, then drama, then SLEEP!!!!!

monday i cooked, then went to mentoring, then Music, then sleep...

today i cooked, now im going shopping then to physio, then work,

i love my life.

i love GOD.

i love you all.

BIndoon was SSSSOOOOOOOO much fun! oh, it was amazing! check this out:

we were holding a retreat for the entire year 9 year group... there were 17 kids! how crazy it that? 17!!! they were really energetic though, and pretty crazy fun! a bit rough, but funny... and very crude, but amusing!

other than that, thwn i was out there i met one of the teachers and he was a gut who i pretty much grew up with! he used to be a mentor to me, the he moved to Canada and over time we lost contact, but now he's teaching there so we're catching up soon, which is so good. he's a really quality guy!

today i'm going shopping for James' guitar and i am SSSOOOOOOOO excited! i really am itching in my skin! i cant wait! this is so exciting! i dont even know why i'm so excited, but im dancing around the house, playing music really loud (my family are away), i'm just so joy-filled today!

anyway, i'll go and get dressed, then im driving out to Booragoon to do my grocery shopping (Alternative Bites is there, so i can get some gluten-free bread!), then im coming back, unloading the gorceries, then GETTING THE GUITAR!! woohoo!!!

ok, i'll hopefully see you all soon and i pray that you all have as amazing a day as i appear to be having so far!

love xxx

well, it's ben a while since i had the time or general desire to sit down and post anything, so here i go.

life is pretty good. i've been travelling so much recently (Adelaide, Bunbury, Geraldton, Stopneville, Lake Leschenaultia, and Bindoon tomorrow, as well as Sydney and Adelaide in a few weeks) that i havent had time to catch up with anyone. i've been sending sms's when i have the time, so please dont feel rejected. it's my fault.

in other news, ny car was broken into on friday night at Church, and James' guitar, wireless lead, leads, mike, mike cable, guitar strap and some other little things were stolen out of it. $2400 to replace it all.

on Saturday James, Sophie and I dyed each others hair. i'm purple. James is brown (he tried to go white like the MRC singer, but it looked terrible so he put browen over the top), and Soph went red. it was pretty fun!

We've been given a substantial amount of money from various Friday Nighters at Church, so we're replacing as much of it as we can, but he has no idea! it's going to be a lot of fun!

besides that, i'm working non-stop, Dad and Karen are away again, and trying to have all my college assignments finished by next week.

thats whats going no recently. sounds average, but im really loving life at the moment!

bye.

ok, since i last wrote...

Drama Camp happened, it was awesome,
Spring Break happened, it was amazing,
Taste of Chaos was on, it was amusing,

work has been hard

the songs i've written are being played at Church with me singing them,

my Church is in the process of a Television Deal,

been quite unwell still, but what's new?

Having a Kidney Biopsy, which i'm a little scared about, but okay really...

Jesus Reigns, as usual.

today was quite good.

i had an appointment with my new specialist, who is getting me to met with a surgeon to discuss the biposy which she wants me to have, and a CT scan, then she took bloods again. i was kinda happy, she got it on the 2nd try, so i only had to be stabbed twice, rather than my average 4 stab blood tests... i have collapsable veins... i hate it.

stephen and i drove out to lake leschnaultia (i spelt that wrong), and to City Beach, and to Kings Park, and did some grocery shopping, and basically spent a day absorbing each others company. it was grand.

we went to red rooster and bought a Portugese Party Pack (for the 2 of us!) and he nearly got beaten up when a drunk guy came in and stared at him, then walked up and nearly bashed him, it was scary, but in hindsight, pretty funny!

i guess thats all thats going on in my life.

it was one of those days that you just dream about: perfect weather, perfect places, perfect friends. i know today will be a hard one to top... nothing especilly amazing happened, but it was just a memorable day.

i'm a little scared about the procedure, but i know His plan will overcome whatever failings i may present.

I'm not afraid of it.

i got into work at 8pm last night.

i left at 8.45pm. my kidneys were really hurting me, so i drove to my mums house and she wanted to take me to the hospital. i bitched, moaned, whined and complained until she fnally agreed to wait and see how i went. she gave me codine forte - very strong - and i lied down. eventually i stopped crying and after a few hours she let me go home.

barely slept cos it was so sore.

now im trying to put on a happy face, cos not only do i have work tonight and i might just gwt murdered if i dont go (finding someone last m,inute to do a saturday night shift is hell), but i have dashboard tomorrow night.

i've waited so long and i cant wait to see them, plus Antiskeptic are playing with them (how aweseome is that? i hope they play 'called'), the real problem is that i payed with my credit card, so i have to collect my tickets from the venue, and i have to show my reciept and my id so that they know that i am me. if im sick, then i cant go ,which means the 5 tickets i bought cant be redeemded, which means my friends cant go either.

if i go to work, im afraid it'll get worse and i wont be able to go to Dashboard cos i'll be in hospital.

if i go to hospital they'll keep me there until at least Monday when there are people there to do tests.

if i dont go to work, i'll get fired and iu love this job, plus im working with Henry tonight which is bound to be fun.

if i go to work and it flares up, i'll have to go to hospital and then bev'll get even angrier at me sayiong i should have called in sick this morning.

if i dont go to work, i dont get any money, and i've onyl been given 2 shitfs next week, a 8 hour one and a 4 hour one. i need money.

cant i just get sick next week instead?

well, i found out that my uncle has IgA Nephropathy awsell today.

he was diagnosed 19 years ago and never told any of us.

now he's told us, because i have it.

he's been told he has about another 10-15, years until he'll need a transplant, which is good.

i hope i have that long.


*courtney, it's uncle Garry.

why am i so self-conscious?

why do i worry about how people will percieve me what i am loved by Him?

why do i feel like i have to ask people to call me, message me, be friends with me, because without doing that, no one would call?

why do i feel like - given the choice - no one would be friend with me?

why do i feel like i am a 'obligation' friend. people will feel bad if they're NOT nice to me, like the kis who rocks up to school in his sisters socks, who no one wants to be friedns with, but they'll still say hi just so he doesnt go completely crazy.

why is it that no matter how perfect life is going, i can still find something wrong to complain about?

why do other people who complain frustrate me so much? HYPOCRITE!

why do i hesitate so much before i post this, like every other lj post, because im not quite convinced that any of you actually care at all.
... through my own fault, i cant believe it.

why am i so fickle?

well, in retaliation to the horrible first part of the day i had yesterday, by the time i went to bed i was actually grinning from ear to ear and feeling quite elated!

from lj'ing, our Senior Pastoral Leader Rosie was supposed to come over, and 45 minutes after she was supposed to arrive i called her to check that she was okay, and she had just had a disaster at work and was about to call me, so we decided to meet at 7.00, after Youth Music ended and before Adult Music started, so we could go through some of the songs that i've written.

well, we went through them (as we have been doing for about 2 months now and have pretty much finalised 2 of them), then at music practice when we seperated into singers and musos, after we went tr hrough the 2 songs we were learning that night, she got me up to teach everyone the 2 songs i had finished.

it's funny, in drama i can get up and make the biggest fool of myself, i can be an absolute idiot an dhave no one in the audience laugh and feel stupid, but i can still smile. well, i stood up in front of the 20 singers and felt like i was about to cry. i was so scared.

i started to explain one of the songs, which was played on cd at the Convention we had in July, so i introduced it saying that some of you may recognise it, then he realised it was that song and he was like 'oh my gosh, this song is amazing. i remember listening to it and wanting to get a copy of it so i could hear it again' and i was like 'paul, you have no idea how much i needed to hear that!'

so i played both of them, then we started to teach everyone 'dedicate' (the one played at convo) and then afterwards everyone was so supportive and positive, and they were all congratulating me and telling me that i have a gift for writing, and i felt so over-the-moon!

like, i dont care if they were making it up and saying it to make me feel better, i felt so amazing and so loved and so much like God is working through me.

i feel amazing. i dont think amything could shatter my mood right now.

then megan came over today cos she got her lisence yesterday and we went out for lunch then watched Napoleon Dymamite.

it was pretty fun. i dunno if i liked the movie, it was a bit wierd, but funny still. i dont think it lived up to the hype i was told about it tho.

anyway, im going to go work on some songs.

love you all

haha, oh, i'm so NOT in a fun or excitable mood at all.

today a stupid customer was so stupid and i hate stupid people. they waste the worlds time. no, i lie, there were 2 stupid customers.

the first one was this guy who bought a coffee and we gave it to him in a take-away cup, so when he came to pick it up he looked at it and goes 'what is this? hey?' and i was like 'what?' and he's like 'did i say i wanted to take it away?' amd i was like 'um.. il put it in a china mug for you' and he's like 'yea, there s a smart girl' i was so angry. i wanted to cry, but i smiled and thought 'raaaa!!! i hope a donkey poops on your car'

te second person was an old guy (so i guess he can be excused), and he ordered a baguette, so i made it, heated it, and served it to him, then he reaslised that he actually wanted the bagel, so we completely wasted the baguette because we couldnt sell it after that, but he wasnt even polite and apologised, he was like 'oh, no i wanted THAT one, not THIS one' amnd i was like 'um... thats a bagel, not a baguette' and he's like 'thats the one i wanted' so i was like 'fine' and made it.

what i hate most of all about this was that i woke up this morning and decided that for today i was going to try my absolute best to not say one negative thing about 1 person, sop for all day i was going to be loving, accepting, non-judgemental and optimistic, but i really cant. i honestly cant go a day without getting upset or annoyed or plain frustrated at people. i hate it.

why cant i be more loving?

well, i've finally (after about 6 months of tests) been given a diagnosis for me being sick. i have a disease called IgA Nephropathy. the good news is that it probably won't have any major effect on me for the next 10-25 years or so, which is very good.

the bad news is that when it does take effect, i will need either dialysis for the rest of my life, or a kidney transplant. it also means that i have to eat less red meat (yet another food restriction) and some other little things, like not smoke or drink, but i dont do either of those anyway, so i can deal with that totally.

im not too upset or anything. like, it's not cancer, which was a pretty real possibility, so i guess im happy... well, not happy... dealing.

it does make sense of a lot of the little things i have wrong with me though? like this can be a secondary disease to Coeliac, which explains that, and my heart murmour and stuff.

well, i've gotta go make lunch, then have a meeting and go to work. see you all hopefully soonish.

sorry, but im listening to this song and it's really relevent, and i want to journal, so dont feel obliged to read this at all. its just me being me.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, have a got it?
cos mirror, you've always told me who i am
im finding its not easy to be perfect
so sorry, you wont define me
sorry, you dont own me

who are you to tell me that im
less than what i should be?
who are you? who are you?
i dont need to listen tho the
list of things i should do
i wont try, i wont try

moirror i am seeing a new reflection
im looking into the eyes of who made me
and to Him i have beauty beyond compare
i know He defines me

you dont define me.

who are you to tell me that im
less than what i should be
who are you? who are you?


it's "mirror" by BarlowGirl

i am so tired of people underestimating me and selling me short. im back home now, and have to go to Challenge Stadium to set up for Youth Alive Adrenalin. I was supposed to be working, so i couldnt go, but now i've ben told im off work (she rostered on too many people) so i'll be going now, if i can get a ticket.

anyway, bye.

today we did a retreat at Blackfriars, an all boys school for 2 classes of Year 10's. it was a bit scary. the hard thing with all boy schools is that you never quite know how they're going to react. sometimes they're like 'girls! hi! talk to us!' and other times they're like 'get out, this is OUR school', so you never know how to ataround them.

today they were really good, and the old saying 'flirt to convert' came into handy! it was really funny, like, we're 5 years older than these guys, but they still will pay attention to you and not talk when you are talking if you're nice to them, it was fun!

there are 4 girls and 2 guys on this trip, so Karl and Ronan were all like "you boys had better be polite to these girls and make them feel welcome, because it can be really scary as a girl to have to speak in front of 40 males, okay?" and they were really nice.

at lunch and recess they were showing off doing soccer tricks, but it was funny, so we encouraged them! it was great!

dont think we were ACTUALLY flirting or anything, not at all, we just were really joking and talkative and stuff with them.

anyway, i'm really excited about Adrenaline. I helped design the stage, and it's HOT!!!!!!!! we've got some wicked ideas for next year, and i think im on security again, but i dunno. City Impact is doing pretty much all the tech and backstage stuff, just like Youth Alive Easter Camp, which will be really fun! i'm excited about seeing the Nubian Gents again, the dancers from New York, they're amazing!

anyway, i think thats all the rambling i can handle for today... bye.

im home on thursday night for those of you who were asking / wondering

life i okay.

a little bad i guess, but a little brilliant at the same time.

the night before i left for adelaide i got a message from someone asking if id just sent a message to them from a different phone, which i hadn't, and apperantly someone has been message people claiming to be me. hmmm... it's pretty hurtful. the thing is, none of the things that they are saying are hurtful to me, but it's like they are taking other peoples secrets, and i'm (apperantly) exposing them e.g. : hey _____ it's nelle. _______ told me that ______ said this about you. whats going on?

so basically all these people are anow angry at each other and apperantly most of the things that 'i'm' saying didnt even hapen, so a whole group of people think im making up lies about them.

its really hurtful, but i dont think the person whos doing it realises that they're hurting me whilst trying to hurt other people... it sucks.

not im all paranoid about whem im messaging people and they're not replying, in case they've heard something that "i'v" said, you know? it sucks.

and im not even in perth to clear things up, which is even worse.

but at the same time, we did a retreat today that was awesome! i met a girl there who loves Kisschasy, and she was hilarious! it was cool! she was like 'Karl is so hot' and it was funny, then she was like 'darren? he's so scrawny!' it was great!

i did the Liturgy of the Word at the retreat, which was a bit scary, dcos its the most 'Catholic' thing we do all day, so the students usually hate it, so i had to make it interesting, but still respectful and solomn, it was hard, but i think i did okay.

anyway, back in 3 days. im excited, but scared, but relieved.

bye.

ok, well as i said, im in adelaide. i actually have legal internet access at the moment so i can writ or a bit longer, but there's not much to say. for those of you who know City Impact people, im here with Brigette, Steph mather, Karl, Ronan and Jennnn. Aaron was here aswell, but he left today for Perth for his wife and kids, but on Tuesday night when we went out, we were married (which basically meant that he got to eat half of my dinner, as well as his!)

im having a pretty good time. today we walked into thw city centre (5 minutes) and went shopping, and laughed at the random statues that they have around the city, creating captions for them e.g:

1) on this hill overlooking the city, there's a tatue of a soldier pointing at the city. some captions included:
"how dare you!!!"
"i want my yacht THERE"
and "picachu, i choose you!"

2) in a park,a statue of a criket player swinging a bat:
"you've been a very naughty boy"
and "dont make me karate chop you!" etc

so yes, we're having a lot of fun. we saw paddle boats today, so we decided that on saturday we are going to hire 3 of them, get into pairs and have races!

Karl and I have been having insult wars and yelling at each other, until today we were walking and i said something, and he was carrying the gorceries, he stopped walking, leant against a wall and started to preend to cry. (for theose of you who dont know him, he's the guy who was mc at Youth Alive Adrenaline last year, so hes crazy). i kept walking, them stopped, went back, got the groceries out of his hand, and kept walking. it was pretty funny. then he stayed there so i had to go back again (so many people were staring) and apologise, then he tripped me over and it was great.

it's been very stressful and tiring, but good fun. im giving talk tomorrow which im a little nervous about, but that happens i gues!

ok, iv gotta go. missing you all muchly. (especially one of you... now have fun fighting over who it is...)

love nel xxx

(oh, one other thing. Aaron (before he left) offered me a pretty high profile position in the Church as part of a new ministry, so im thunking about that. please pray that i get guidance in making the right descision.)